My writings often start with a sentence: “I’ve been feeling quite weird lately.” Luckily, it doesn’t stop there. It’s possible to explore why we feel the way we do, and, in my opinion, it’s necessary to continue digging. We may lack confidence and feel scared. We may forget who we are because there’s just too much comparison nowadays.

Do we know who we are? Do you know yourself? What are you good at? Or do we focus too much on fixing our deficiencies? How do we hold onto who we really are when life gets hard?

Tangled in our own minds, we become unable to move forward. Should we push? Should we be more understanding and give ourselves some time to adjust?

This constant confusion may lead to a loss of confidence, or worse, the loss of our own identity. We may stop pushing ourselves because we’re adapting our minds to the newly built low self-esteem. But what happens when we lose sight of who we are?

Let me share with you a quote from Erich Fromm: 

“Man's main task in life is to give birth to himself, to become what he potentially is. The most important product of his effort is his own personality.”

The Tension And The Need To Conform

“It seems that nothing is more difficult for the average man to bear than the feeling of not being identified with a larger group.”

― Erich Fromm, Escape from Freedom

When we lose ourselves and our own identity, as social creatures, we may start looking for ways to be part of someone else’s ideologies. Someone else’s opinions. Someone else’s ways of living. However, according to Erich Fromm, this approach is flawed because our ultimate goal in life should be the discovery of our authentic and independent self. We need to form our own opinions and value systems rather than conforming to conventional and authoritarian ideas. If we transfer our decision-making onto someone else, an institution, or an authority, we are distancing ourselves.

What we should do instead is to accept our own uniqueness, discover our own thoughts and abilities, and accept our differences. We need to learn who we are. By doing so, we will free ourselves from confusion, loneliness, and apathy. But what if we lost ourselves?

In Search for A Self

When I was a kid, I did everything intuitively. Probably all kids do. Later in life, I became more and more confused about what to do with my life and who I should become. So I followed what everyone else did until I realized I didn’t feel good. Physically. I do believe it was coming from the inside out. If we follow someone else’s path, sooner or later, it’s gonna come after us. We’ll wonder which part of ourselves belongs to us. 

And this recurs a few times in our lifetime. That’s why it’s essential to check in with your own self from time to time. Sometimes, it arrives as simple anxiety moments, distracting us from where we are headed. I often feel sidetracked. I haven’t fully realized why this is happening. It must be a combination of self-doubt, some form of inability to focus + 100% of the mix of my personality traits. As mentioned earlier in this writing, I wasn’t sure what to do in these situations; I just knew I had to do something to rebuild my confidence.

Rebuilding Confidence

When I travelled to Japan, I bought a refillable notebook. One of the fillings was paper harmonicas. I had no clue what I would use them for; I just knew I needed to buy them. I often do that. I am stacking my stationery supplies for the worst times.

Accordion blank vs. Designed accordion

Now, suddenly, I knew what to do. If I created something, a reminder to tell me who I am and what I am good at, I could better overcome difficult times. You know something I could return to when life gets hard. I decided I would create a project called “The Book of Personality”. This book would reflect who I am and what I need to hear right now, during the phase of life I am currently in.

The Book Of Personality | Author: JP

What I am trying to say is how important it is to know ourselves. Because if we do, we can start building our own confidence. We stop listening to others because we trust that we will find the way forward. In the book of Mastery, Robert Greene says:

“Knowing your strengths, you can lean on them with utmost intensity. You will not be burdened by conventions, and you will not be slowed down by having to deal with skills that go against your inclinations and strengths. In this way, your creative and intuitive powers will be naturally awakened.”

(Greene, pp. 279-280)

We will often feel confused and disoriented, wondering if we are heading in the right direction. That’s part of life. But confusion doesn’t mean we lost ourselves. It means we’re ready to rediscover who we are. When life gets hard, you can carry your own “Book of Personality” that reminds you who you are and what you value.

If you’d like to explore more articles on topics such as confusion in life, the necessity to conform, or trusting our gut, feel free to check these: My gut is a researcher, Two lines. Which one to take?

Have a great rest of the week!

Yours truly,